My Time in a Dark Tunnel

My site has gone dark for many months.

I am ready to tell you why.

I was going bravely down the path of my personal journey. I was posting regularly to my blog and Instagram and gaining momentum. I was making progress every day, step by step, and leaving Society’s Labyrinth. I was humming with ideas for what else I could do surrounding this website, and feeling optimistic. In fact, in the days before I entered a tunnel, I felt positively euphoric. 

It all changed in a few days.

Looking back, I’m not sure how everything got so turned around and how I got so stuck.

Overnight, insecurity crept in. The more I thought about the future possibilities, the more scared I became about putting myself out there and leaving the comforts of home. I lost confidence. I lost my determination. I let procrastination and perfectionism win. I felt like an imposter.

Who was I to follow my dreams so boldly? I felt it was better to not try at all. Then I could avoid the pain of failure.

With all these thoughts and feelings swirling around me, before long, I found myself in total darkness.

I was absolutely unable to go forward at all. My days were spent numbing myself through internet scrolling and video games.

I felt incredibly guilty about not being able to work towards my goals. The guilt made it worse and paralyzed me further. I tried hiding my despair and shame from my fiancé, but this didn’t work. Every time he asked me how I was really doing, I would break down crying. I was unable to talk about it.

It was a cycle of numbing myself and then crying when I finally allowed the emotions to flow. And it was the kind of crying that felt overwhelming and made me feel worse and not better. I’m really grateful that my fiancé was by my side to comfort me throughout this time in darkness.

I am telling you the details of my own time spent in a tunnel, but your time in tunnels may look different than mine. I am speaking from my own experience in case it helps you.

What is a tunnel?

Anyone can end up in a tunnel, and it is important to know about them ahead of time so that you recognize the signs. When on a personal journey, you can end up in a tunnel for a variety of reasons. And they may be completely unrelated to your project. Know that it is not your fault if you are struggling.

When you chase after personal growth too quickly, it can cause an internal crisis.

This is because when you start pursuing your dreams, your fears come up, and too many of them can stop you in your tracks.

When you are in a tunnel, you have lost your confidence and are struggling to keep going on your journey. You may be experiencing poor mental health: anxiety, depression, or other issues. You may feel stuck and unsure. And you are struggling to believe in your dreams. You may instead engage in unhealthy habits and avoidance. This will only make you feel worse, and can create a cycle that keeps repeating until you can find your way out.

When you are in the total darkness of a tunnel, and can’t see light either up ahead or behind you, it feels disorienting. You may feel more like you are at the bottom of a pit.

But, and this is very important: you are not in a pit. It is only a tunnel, and there is a way out. It is something that you will be able to get through, no matter what.

How to Get out of Tunnels

From my own experience in tunnels, I’ve learned that the way out is not just to ‘work harder’. This method breaks down. In a tunnel, what is wrong is your mindset, and not your work ethic. You are experiencing many fears.

1. Journal.

Write down everything you are feeling. (You can tear the paper up after if you’d like.) This will help you release emotions. And help you gain perspective to see that your fears are irrational.

2. Slow steps.

Do not put too much pressure on yourself. Write one tiny thing you can do to move forward, and do that.

3. Be kind to yourself.

You may be experiencing shame, and need to be gentle with yourself. Beating yourself up will not help you feel better. Practice affirmations and self-love. Celebrate every small win.

4. Know that brighter days are coming.

Rather than focusing on the darkness, keep looking towards the light. You will make it out of this.

5. Reach out for help if you need it.

Sometimes, it can be difficult to get out of especially long tunnels without outside help. That is why it is very important to reach out for help if you need it. This help may be from a loved one or a professional. You should not feel guilty about leaning on others, because you are worthy of love and support.

Emerging from the tunnel

Once you have gotten out of a tunnel, you will be very weak after spending so much time in darkness. Before you go back to your previous pace, you may need to rest and recover. I have written a follow up post about going on a restful retreat.

Know that if you are in a tunnel, you will get through it and into the bright daylight once again.